What’s The Word That’s REALLY Holding You Back?

One of the great joys I have in my work is that I get to have deep conversations with people from all seasons of life. They may just be starting out in a career, anxiously trying to figure out their next move. Others may have reached a level of success, but want to explore new options, while others may be heading toward making major life shifts.

Oftentimes they talk about the struggle to take that next step that will help them move forward. When I delve a little deeper in conversation, I tend to dig down to the root: can’t vs won’t. Henry Ford made it crystal clear with a simple truth, “If you believe you can, or believe you can’t, you’re right.” Action vs. inaction stems from a mindset of, “I can’t” (self-limiting) vs. “I won’t” (self-empowering).

“I can’t get that new promotion.” (Are you willing to take the steps necessary to go after it?)

“I can’t figure out my next step.” (Will you take an honest look at what’s in front of you, break it down into micro steps, and put one foot in front of the other?)

I get it. Too many times in my life I have missed opportunities because I would say to myself, “I just can’t do that.” Even last week I was looking at a course I wanted to take to improve my coaching skills and I said, “I can’t work that into my schedule.” However, as I took a more honest look, I recognized the hesitation was because I didn’t want to go through the hassle of rearranging some things on my calendar.

It’s all in your mind!

One article in Success magazine lays it out pretty simply: It comes down to three things: Your beliefs, your fears and your mindset. Basically, it boils down to:

1. Your beliefs. “The most powerful words in the universe are the words you say to yourself,” says Marie Forleo (about whom the article was written). If you can change what you believe about what you can do, it sets the stage for everything else. As Marie refers to it, it’s like dominoes.

2. Use your fear as fuel. Start by being willing to fail at something. Too often we’re afraid to fail. We think it’ll make us look bad, or we take it as a sign that we actually can’t do something. But the truthful irony is that those mistakes often lead us to finding the right solutions. “The difference between average people and achieving people is their perception of and response to failure.” ― John C. Maxwell

3. Change your mindset. Recognize and be honest with yourself. Can you really “not” do something? Can you really not learn a new language? Or get yourself out of debt or lead a group of people? Using can’t creates a sense of helplessness. Swapping out can’t for won’t changes the mindset. Maybe you’d rather practice your golf swing than learn a new language, or tinker around in your car, or do anything rather than learn a new language. Own it and know that if at any time you actually want to learn a new language, you can.

With the assistance of the almighty internet, we have learned that anything we think we can’t do has already been done by someone, usually in much more challenging situations than our own. The difference is what they were willing to forego to make it happen. I’m not talking about sacrificing your values or doing something unethical. Instead, I am referring to those things that make us uncomfortable or might call for a change in current habits, attitudes, or in some cases, even relationships.

Practice replacement language.

If a new direction for your work or life is looming over you, drop the can’t language and instead start looking at what you won’t do that’s the real source of your hesitation. If you need some help on what some of those “wont’s” might be, here’s a list to get you started:

• Have a difficult conversation with ____________ (insert “boss,” “family member,” or “friend.”)
• Reduce the amount of time spent on __________________ (insert “social media,” “binge watching,” “sleeping,” or “busy work.”
• Invest in your own future.
• Reduce spending.
• Slow down enough to look at the big picture.
• Stop seeing constant physical and mental exhaustion as a badge of honor.
• Have a meaningful conversation with a friend or trusted colleague about your current dilemma, challenge, or sense of helplessness because of pride or feeling like you’re a failure.

Henry David Thoreau spoke of the consequences of can’t with his words, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation…” What most people don’t realize is that his sentence doesn’t actually end there, but continues with “…and go to the grave with the song still in them.” What’s the won’t you need to address to make sure your “song” has a chance to be sung?