Perfectionists and 5 Helpful Insights I Wish I Had Known

If you are a perfectionist, or even think you are, I owe you an apology.

For too long I have been too simplistic in my views on your behaviors. I’ve offered advice that probably wasn’t helpful. I’ve frequently tossed out the quote, “Done is better than perfect” like you could immediately switch off that innate desire to close the gap between reality and the ideal.

I now know better.

My beliefs about the topic of perfectionism were radically changed when I read the book, The Perfectionist’s Guide To Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler. Her academic background is impressive, but even more appealing to me is that she specializes in working with women who are perfectionists. Her examples not only connected with me about other people I know, but I also found myself saying, “You do that Jones!”

It won’t hurt my feelings if you stop reading this article right now and go purchase the book. It will be time well invested. Here’s the link!

However, if you need some convincing that doing a deeper dive on the topic of perfectionism is worth your time, here are a few of the insights that have been incredibly helpful as I reflect on my own perfectionism as well as similar behaviors in others:

1. There are different types of perfectionists. In her book, Schafler suggests that there are five different types of perfectionists. They include:

• Classic Perfectionists. These types are very deliberate in how they handle physical objects. They like order. They are proud of being a perfectionist.
• Parisian Perfectionists. These types want to be “perfectly liked.” They want ideal connections.
• Procrastinator Perfectionists. These types wait for perfect conditions before starting. They want to do “the thing” but when they start, it won’t be perfect. (i.e. ME!)
• Messy Perfectionists. These types are always starting new things but rarely finishing. They deny that time, money, or energy is limited.
• Intense Perfectionists. These types rely on the outcome of a process to define success. They believe that it’s all or nothing. You either achieve the goal or you fail.

This was helpful to me because I have often equated perfectionism with procrastination. I now see that is only one type of perfectionist behavior.

2. We focus too much on the negative outcomes of perfectionism. Schafler writes, “…perfectionism has been split into two branches: adaptive perfectionism (using perfectionism to your advantage in a healthy way) and maladaptive perfectionism (the unhealthy manifestation of perfectionism).” I know I rarely see perfectionism as a positive attribute. Blogs, articles, and self-help videos (including mine) extol reducing or minimizing it instead of using it in a healthy way.

3. We all have some type of perfectionist tendencies. I smiled when I read one section that gave the “raw manifestations” of perfectionism she has seen. They include:

• Emotional perfectionism
• Cognitive perfectionism
• Behavioral perfectionism
• Object perfectionism
• Process perfectionism

That led me to ask the question, “What is the difference between having perfectionist tendencies and being a perfectionist?” Her answer in the book is, “When your desire to bridge the gulf between an ideal and reality present more often than not and are accompanied by the impulse to actively strive towards bridging that gulf, you can consider yourself a perfectionist.”

4. Women wrestle with perfectionism much more than men. Schafler gives example after example of how women who have perfectionist tendencies are viewed negatively while men who have similar tendencies are praised. Even the example of how, as a culture, we use the phrase, “working mom” but not “working dad.”

5. You can quickly differentiate between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. The two questions Schafler poses are:

Why are you striving towards an impossible ideal? Is it from a desire to grow or a need to compensate for some inadequacy or avoid failure?

How are you striving? Are you working in a way that feels good for you or are you hurting yourself or others in the process?

Another aspect she writes about is self-worth, and that healthy perfectionists recognize they are “whole and complete” without something being perfect. Their desire to make something perfect is an outgrowth of the security they ALREADY feel.

There’s so much more that I’d love to write about here, but you should buy her book to get the full impact of her wisdom. I see now that whether we are a perfectionist or have perfectionist tendencies, we need to embrace them for the opportunities they present to live a more authentic life.

And going forward, I plan to be part of the solution… not the problem.